To Have More Kids Or Not To Have More Kids...

 I am going to take this opportunity to struggle a bit with something that has been bothering me lately.  In life we all face scenarios where we must decide to keep going with the familiar or to make a decision and allow ourselves to move beyond what we may want in the moment in order to embrace something entirely new and different.  Sorry if I am being a bit vague.  Here is where my thoughts are coming from.

I have three beautiful children.  Two girls and one boy.  Three is a good number.  Large to some, but I have always wanted a larger family.  From when I was a little girl, I knew I wanted at least a dozen kids.  It was a wonderful dream, but now I am facing reality.  Do I really want a dozen kids or should I make a decision and allow myself to move beyond the childbearing years?  I honesty do not know.  That's why I am still struggling.  When do you decide enough is enough?  When do you decide that a dream is just a dream and that who you are today is different from who you imagined you would be?

The trouble is, that in order to really resolve this struggle I will have to exert some serious self-control, and not just for a moment but for quite a few years to come!  I feel like if I were to just let nature take its course, then that would almost be the easier option.  It requires little to no effort on my part (well, ok, some effort!).  I love the analogy that C.S. Lewis uses to describe fighting temptations.  Only those who stand up against the wind can truly know how strong and forceful it is.  Those who lie down and let it just blow over them, can have no real concept of the struggle and hardship it took to resist.

But am I really likening having children to temptations?  In a way, I guess I am.  Having a child should provoke some deep thinking.  It should be a decision that involves not only the scientific rational part of our brain but also our deeper more emotional, spiritual center.  Having a child is more than just a series of actions to produce a desired result.  It is sometimes a plan, sometimes a surprise, but always a gift that has the power to completely alter our reality as we now know it.

Each of my children have molded and sculpted me in different ways.  I am who I am today mostly because of them.  My husband, family and friends all have their influence, but my children, by virtue of being so intimately attached to me, have the most pull and force right now.  One of the most significant changes has been the slow steady chipping away at my own stubborn self-centeredness.  In the moment I usually hate and resent how their needs may pull me from what I wanted to be doing, but afterwards I usually realize that by doing what I did not want to be doing, I ended up much happier.  It is this realization that leads me to the following conclusion, and really to the crux of my whole struggle.

Because I see myself doing such intense growing, and because I relate that growing to having each of my children, doesn't it follow that by having more, I will automatically be molded and sculpted even more and thus have at least the opportunity of becoming an even more generous and selfless human being?  I think there are some chinks in this line of thinking.

First, I am assuming that it is the mere action of my having a child that has made me better.  Rather, I believe it is my choice in each moment that determines whether I grow better or worse.  Second, it may be naive to assume that if I keep doing the same thing I will continue to grow in the same way.  This is making the assumption that I have not changed, when in fact the whole premise is that I have.  Because I have changed I now must determine what action will be the best for who I am today.  Is having another child, the best decision or is not having another child the best decision?

I'll get back to that.  There was a moment that I will never forget when I was pregnant with my son.  I had experienced two other pregnancies and was pretty confident I knew all there was to know about pregnancy and birth.  But babies always manage to throw a stumbling block in our path.  Towards the end of my pregnancy, at one of my midwife appointments, the midwife said she thought the baby was breech.  I was shocked and worried.  I resented the midwife for disturbing my peace in this way and scaring me into envisioning a hospital birth when I had all along been planning a peaceful homebirth.  However, I did some intense self-reflection that day.  I kept hoping for lighting bolts from heaven telling me that the baby was head down and all would be alright.  That did not happen.  What did happen was that I took a long nap.  Dreamed some weird dreams.  Woke up and took a walk with my husband where I came to the conclusion that what was going to happen, was going to happen.  I knew with 98% certainty that the baby was head down.  But, and here is the real point, I also knew that if I would have to give birth in the hospital, that I would be alright.  That the birth would ultimately be perfect because I would make it so with my faith and the loving support of my husband and family.

Okay, I may have come to some sort of a conclusion.  I believe that not having another child is the right choice right now.  Why?  Because it is the harder choice.  Is that a ridiculous line of thinking?  Probably.  But I have never been accused of being overly logical or precise in my thinking.  I am going with my gut on this one.  There is a voice in my head saying, "have another child, you know you want one."  But there is another voice or perhaps an amalgamation of several voices, people I trust and respect and my own experiences and feelings, that is convinced that stopping now is the right plan.  You see, I am not just concerned with doing what feels good to me in the moment.  I am, and hope I will always be, concerned with doing what is right.

And perhaps, in conclusion, it is worth noting that doing what is right is never a black and white, done deal type of thing.  Doing what is right is a constantly evolving set of convictions.  It changes because we change.  The basic parameters are set by our own belief systems and set of values, but how we enact these convictions has to change and that is a very good thing.  As I learn and grow I hope to always set my compass by this guiding principle...to do what is right as it seems not only by the measure of my own personal happiness but by the measure of all those I love and respect as well.

Who Is In Charge?

Today I am going to ask a question to all you pregnant mama’s out there.  “Who is in charge of your body?”  I think most of you answered: “I am.”  We all know, and feel deeply, that our bodies belong to us.  We live in our bodies therefore we are responsible for their upkeep and well-being.  It would not be wise to surrender that responsibility without careful checking and trust.  Now let me ask another question.  “Who is in charge of your pregnancy and birth?”  I think most of us are pausing right now to answer that one.  Or perhaps you answered as before, “I am,” but do you really mean it?  Are you truly in charge of your pregnancy or have you somewhere along the way surrendered your control to another?  A professional, perhaps?  Or a relation?  Expert advice?

In today’s post I want to ask you to examine your behavior since becoming pregnant.  Or if you’ve already had your baby, “how did you behave while pregnant and birthing?”  Do you feel truly that you know what is best for your body, your baby, and your birth?  Do we really have any right to feel that way?  Surely our doctors, midwives, nurses, or specialists have a say in our body and the process since that is what they have trained for?  It does feel a bit uncertain, though, doesn’t it?  From the moment we become pregnant, we are rocketed into a whole world of terminology and physiological symptoms and we need to learn to speak and act with authority on these subjects!  Which is no easy task (unless you are a pregnant doctor, midwife, nurse or specialist!)  No matter the childbirth classes we’ve taken or not taken, or the books we’ve read or not read, we will always feel a bit uncertain about our decisions until we decide to answer the question of, who, ultimately, is in charge?

And, why does who is in charge even matter?  It matters because we are all unique individuals so what is important to me , may not be important to you.  Who is in charge matters because it answers the question of who, ultimately, is responsible for ensuring a positive and satisfying pregnancy and birth experience.  We, the pregnant and birthing women, are the ones responsible.  For a first-time pregnant mama, going about establishing her control over her body and her pregnancy involves surrounding herself with a support network of people she respects and trusts.  By so doing she retains her sense of control in a situation entirely new and unfamiliar.  For mamas who have given birth before, being in charge can look different in that we may choose to have less people around because we know enough to be assertive about what is important to us.

I guess assertiveness, is ultimately, the point I am driving at.  Becoming pregnant is the first step on a long journey towards taking charge of ourselves.  Somehow, having a baby in our belly forces us to make decisions about what we want in an entirely new manner.  What would have been a matter of indifference before now takes on a whole new level of meaning when we realize it involves a whole other life other than our own.  And this is as it should be.  We need to grow into parenting, and pregnancy is the first step on that journey.  Deciding who is in charge helps us place responsibility squarely on our own shoulders, which although it may seem like a huge burden, it is actually a great relief.  Really!  Who knows us better than we do?  Who knows our private fears, worries, dreams and desires?  When we give others that control we run the risk of squelching our personal feelings as unimportant since someone else knows best.  By being in charge, we can listen to advice from doctors and nurses, midwives and other birth workers, and we can know that we are the ones who get to decide whether or not to follow.  Being pregnant doesn’t mean surrendering your body to the experts for the duration.  It means owning your body and your birth by deciding to be in charge.  

What Your Birth Doula Service is All About

Your Birth Doula Service was created to meet the needs of birthing women.  The title itself says it all.  It is your birth, therefore what is important to you is important to me, as your doula.  I have come to discover that in the end, how a woman gives birth matters less than whether she has felt supported and understood.  Don't get me wrong, how a woman births can have great significance and impact. But if she has been cared for and heard throughout the process, her healing will be smoother as will her transition to motherhood.

Below is a picture of me and the sweet little baby of a client.  This client had had a particularly traumatic first birth.  We worked hard together to help her clearly state how she wanted things to go the second time around.  Through perseverance and great courage, she birthed powerfully and beautifully.  What a gift!

This is what I do...

While Pregnant - If time allows, I like to schedule at least four prenatal visits.  The first is to get to know you and see if we will work well together.  The next two are intended to work though any questions, fears, or desires that you may have.  I make it a point to listen and reflect your needs back to you.  I help you clarify what you want and understand the birth process.  The fourth visit is a home visit.  I will travel to your home to meet with you and your partner.  The importance of this final visit cannot be understated.  This gives me the chance to drive to your place (so that when I come for the birth it will be familiar!) as well as meet your partner.  It is imperative that your partner and I discuss what each of our roles will be as well as how we can best support you.

The Birth - I come as soon as labor becomes active.  I maintain phone contact to help you determine when the time is right for me to come.  (And the time is right whenever you need me!)  I remain with you for the duration of labor and for at least two hours post-partum, if needed.  I will help you decide when to go to the hospital/birth center.  Throughout, my knowledge in positioning and comfort measures will help you cope through contractions.

Post-partum - I have had extensive training in breastfeeding, and am available to help with positioning and latch.  I stay as long as I am needed following  the birth.  I will take photographs/videos and help you feel comfortable.  I will also schedule a visit for a few days after the birth.  Problems that arise tend to do so within the first 48 or so after birth, so support is greatly needed.  My relationship with you does not end with the birth.  I am available to help with any questions or concerns both related to the birth and breastfeeding at any time.


Below is a picture of me with another baby of a client.  This woman was attempting a VBAC after two cesareans.  You can imagine the obstacles and resistance she encountered!  Together, we prepared for this birth by increasing her awareness of her body and her trust in the process as it would unfold.  As it happened, she was able to give birth vaginally at peace with herself and her body.  The birth itself was incredibly gentle and peaceful, and I still get shivers thinking about that perfect happy moment.

Your Birth Doula Service is both my business and my calling.  I am a doula because I feel that every woman should experience birth as rewarding and transformative.  It is my belief that having someone who is experienced in birth helps both mother and father-to-be feel supported and empowered.  There is no better way to experience birth and parenthood.

Why Fathers Need Doulas (and they really really do!)

 Be prepared, I am going to generalize here!

Husbands want what is best for their wives.  Husbands want to do everything they can to make sure the birth of their child is a happy one for their wives.  They want to bond and enjoy the birth themselves but their number one priority is to ensure that their wives have a good experience.  What's wrong with that?  Nothing, except what exactly does 'ensuring a good experience' look like?  While for millions of years birthing women have been attended by other women, nowadays it is more common to have a male obstetrician. And men, fathers particularly, are encouraged to play an active role in the birthing process.  Is this a bad thing?  No!  It is a very very good thing and men, fathers particularly, offer something that laboring women desperately need: emotional support.  I always thought of my husband during birth as my rock.  He was always there.  As much as was possible he experienced what I experienced.  His love for me kept him by my side, occasionally talking, but more often just holding me, supporting me, both physically and emotionally.  By staying with me and staying strong, he gave me the freedom to labor and do what I needed to do to bring our child into the world.  So, why is a doula needed?  Because emotional support and love is not enough sometimes.

Birth is an unpredictable and organic process.  Birth can be long and exhausting or short and frightening, painful or exhilarating.  The possibilities are as endless and unique as each woman and her partner are unique.  Because each experience is unique and transformative it is hugely helpful to have an experienced guide along with you on your journey.  The doula is the experienced guide.  She can look at a laboring woman and see more than a loved one in pain; she can see progress.  She can offer suggestions that carry weight simply because she herself has trained and most likely experienced it herself.  She can relieve stress and anxiety from the husband because he no longer has to be everything and know everything for his wife.  A trained doula does not put herself in the husband's place; she knows herself to be merely the guide, encouraging, instructing, and modeling.

Having said that, permit me to sidetrack a bit into marriage itself.  The relationship between husband and wife is complex.  It is a mystery.  Although, nowadays, we have a hard time with gender and as much as possible we try to steer clear of gender stereotypes, there is something to the 'difference of the sexes.'  Again, permit me some generalizing!  For men, the most important aspect of any relationship hinges on respect.  Men need respect.  Without it relationships shrivel and die.  Women, on the other hand need to feel valued.  Even if we don't make sense or there is no scientific proof for what we feel we want to know that the men in our lives value our experience and validate it.  Birth falls into this category.  It is an experience that does not depend on scientific proofs or adherence to a plan.  Regardless of the plan and whether it was followed perfectly or not, a woman may come away from a birth with feelings that are difficult to explain let alone justify.  While the husband may have seen the birth one way, most often based on outcomes, the woman may have experienced something infinitely more uncomfortable, scary even, or empowering, liberating to the point where she feels different.  No explanation.  No correlation to the facts of the birth.  All of this happens on a deeper level.  A spiritual level.  The level where women's intuition and mysticism reside.

The transformation from woman to mother is not a process that should happen alone.  It is an experience that each woman has to undergo herself.  Her husband can't do it for her.  And to do it well, it requires mothering.  I believe we know that instinctively but as our cultures grow more and more modern we try to subdue our instincts in favor of our thinking brain.  So, we say things like, "I should be able to birth with just me and my husband."  "It should be cozy, quiet and peaceful."  Birth can happen that way.  And it can be good.  I am not denying that.  The more babies I have the less people I want there and the more I enjoy just the presence of my husband, but that is not to say that I don't crave, desire, need my mothering from women as well.  I do.  Husbands should not be expected to be everything for their wives.  Men need other men and women need other women.  To be complete, whole and actualized is to respect our differences and embrace how we can support each other while also allowing for the presence of others to support as well.

In summation, the presence of the doula in no way diminishes the role of the husband; it completes it.

How Coping Techniques For Labor Can Alter Your Reality

I have recently faced a situation where I had to be separated from a loved one for a period of time.  This was very difficult, and yet while driving away with tears streaming down my face, I started thinking thoughts that echoed the very thoughts I had while enduring contractions!  With sadness and fear all around me, I kept repeating, "Yes!"  And, I believed it.  "Yes, we are separated.  Yes, I am sad.  Yes, this is a good thing.  Yes, I can stay connected.  Yes, my heart will always be with you."

At some point during my first labor, which was very difficult and traumatic for me at the time, one midwife sat by me, put her hand on the small of my back and said, "Don't say no, say yes."  She most likely has no idea how those words affected me!  Apparently, at the beginning of each contraction I had been saying, "Oh God, no!"  Saying, "yes," wasn't just a way to sound better while laboring; it physically altered my mind and thus my labor.  Words are not just words.  What we say, affects what we feel, and what we feel affects how we act, and how we act affects what happens to our bodies and to all those around us.  A thought is not without consequences!  Somehow, that lesson learned during my first birth, gave me the courage and the mindset to face a completely different life event with grace and acceptance.

Labor is a unique life event where we progress only by releasing control.  I would wager to say that all major life events follow this same pattern, however we often fool ourselves into thinking we still retain control and we use many different avoidance patterns to try to cling to our control.  Death is inevitable.  As is pain, sorrow, difficulties and suffering.  It is our human inheritance.  That does not mean that we are helpless.  This is, I believe, the major lesson of birth.  The harder we fight the more pain and suffering we endure.  Once we let go, physically and mentally, we realize that we are not left alone and helpless.  Rather, we are caught up in the grace of God, and we see, perhaps not in this moment or the next, but we do see that our love is stronger, more resilient, more compassionate.  And, this is what it means to be human.  We take reality as it is handed to us, and we transform it into something bigger, better and more meaningful.  Glory to God!

Pros and Cons of Professional Labor Support

(Taken from, The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer)

Pros:

• Continuity of care.  Most doulas meet with you one or more times before the birth, stay with you throughout labor, and make one or more postpartum visits.  Because of this, they know your concerns and priorities regarding labor, they can help you debrief and digest the labor experience, and they can help with breastfeeding and parenting concerns.
• Support for the father or partner.  Fathers or partners can participate to the extent that they feel comfortable.  Fathers especially need nurturing and care during this major life transition.
• Accessible resource.  You and your partner do not have to worry about forgetting what you learned in child-birth preparation classes.
• Another pair of hands.  During long labors, the partner and the doula can spell each other.  During intense periods, more than one person may be needed to help you.
• Credibility.  You know that unlike the father, the doula knows how hard labor can be.  You will trust that what the doula asks can be done because you know the doula is experienced with labor support and, in most cases, has labored herself.
• Advocacy.  Accountable only to the couple, the doula has no conflict of interest with the hospital or doctor.  She is ideally situated to facilitate communication between you and medical staff and to help ensure that you make informed decisions.
• Reduced rates of medical procedures and complications.  Doulas are not magic, though.  If your obstetrician has a high cesarean rate or you are planning an early epidural, a doula may not be able to overcome that.

Cons:

• Hiring the wrong person.  This would be someone who imposes her ideas of the "right" way to do things or who pushes your partner aside.
• Hospital staff hostility.  This may be the doula's fault, but more likely it arises from doctors or nurses seeing the doula as an intruder into their territory or as a competitor.  Hospital staff may also feel threatened if the doula's presence leads you to ask questions or resist procedures.  In their view, the doula has made you a "difficult patient."

Welcome!

I am so glad you found your way to my site!   Here you will be able to find information on what a birth doula is, what I, specifically, can do for you and also, hopefully soon, information on birth in general ranging from scientific articles to personal accounts.  I will do my best to keep this site updated but if any of you have questions that aren't answered here please feel free to email me.

My belief is that birth is a defining moment in each person's life.  How a baby is born and our memories of that time have a lifelong effect.  Studies have shown that the continual presence of another person during labor increases the likelihood that a mother will retain positive memories of her birth experience.  My job as a birth doula is to help mothers and their partners have the birth they want by providing them with the informational tools they need and by helping them feel supported throughout their labor and delivery.

If you are interested in hiring me as your birth doula, please email me at: yourbirthdoula@gmail.com.