I am going to take this opportunity to struggle a bit with something that has been bothering me lately. In life we all face scenarios where we must decide to keep going with the familiar or to make a decision and allow ourselves to move beyond what we may want in the moment in order to embrace something entirely new and different. Sorry if I am being a bit vague. Here is where my thoughts are coming from.
I have three beautiful children. Two girls and one boy. Three is a good number. Large to some, but I have always wanted a larger family. From when I was a little girl, I knew I wanted at least a dozen kids. It was a wonderful dream, but now I am facing reality. Do I really want a dozen kids or should I make a decision and allow myself to move beyond the childbearing years? I honesty do not know. That's why I am still struggling. When do you decide enough is enough? When do you decide that a dream is just a dream and that who you are today is different from who you imagined you would be?
The trouble is, that in order to really resolve this struggle I will have to exert some serious self-control, and not just for a moment but for quite a few years to come! I feel like if I were to just let nature take its course, then that would almost be the easier option. It requires little to no effort on my part (well, ok, some effort!). I love the analogy that C.S. Lewis uses to describe fighting temptations. Only those who stand up against the wind can truly know how strong and forceful it is. Those who lie down and let it just blow over them, can have no real concept of the struggle and hardship it took to resist.
But am I really likening having children to temptations? In a way, I guess I am. Having a child should provoke some deep thinking. It should be a decision that involves not only the scientific rational part of our brain but also our deeper more emotional, spiritual center. Having a child is more than just a series of actions to produce a desired result. It is sometimes a plan, sometimes a surprise, but always a gift that has the power to completely alter our reality as we now know it.
Each of my children have molded and sculpted me in different ways. I am who I am today mostly because of them. My husband, family and friends all have their influence, but my children, by virtue of being so intimately attached to me, have the most pull and force right now. One of the most significant changes has been the slow steady chipping away at my own stubborn self-centeredness. In the moment I usually hate and resent how their needs may pull me from what I wanted to be doing, but afterwards I usually realize that by doing what I did not want to be doing, I ended up much happier. It is this realization that leads me to the following conclusion, and really to the crux of my whole struggle.
Because I see myself doing such intense growing, and because I relate that growing to having each of my children, doesn't it follow that by having more, I will automatically be molded and sculpted even more and thus have at least the opportunity of becoming an even more generous and selfless human being? I think there are some chinks in this line of thinking.
First, I am assuming that it is the mere action of my having a child that has made me better. Rather, I believe it is my choice in each moment that determines whether I grow better or worse. Second, it may be naive to assume that if I keep doing the same thing I will continue to grow in the same way. This is making the assumption that I have not changed, when in fact the whole premise is that I have. Because I have changed I now must determine what action will be the best for who I am today. Is having another child, the best decision or is not having another child the best decision?
I'll get back to that. There was a moment that I will never forget when I was pregnant with my son. I had experienced two other pregnancies and was pretty confident I knew all there was to know about pregnancy and birth. But babies always manage to throw a stumbling block in our path. Towards the end of my pregnancy, at one of my midwife appointments, the midwife said she thought the baby was breech. I was shocked and worried. I resented the midwife for disturbing my peace in this way and scaring me into envisioning a hospital birth when I had all along been planning a peaceful homebirth. However, I did some intense self-reflection that day. I kept hoping for lighting bolts from heaven telling me that the baby was head down and all would be alright. That did not happen. What did happen was that I took a long nap. Dreamed some weird dreams. Woke up and took a walk with my husband where I came to the conclusion that what was going to happen, was going to happen. I knew with 98% certainty that the baby was head down. But, and here is the real point, I also knew that if I would have to give birth in the hospital, that I would be alright. That the birth would ultimately be perfect because I would make it so with my faith and the loving support of my husband and family.
Okay, I may have come to some sort of a conclusion. I believe that not having another child is the right choice right now. Why? Because it is the harder choice. Is that a ridiculous line of thinking? Probably. But I have never been accused of being overly logical or precise in my thinking. I am going with my gut on this one. There is a voice in my head saying, "have another child, you know you want one." But there is another voice or perhaps an amalgamation of several voices, people I trust and respect and my own experiences and feelings, that is convinced that stopping now is the right plan. You see, I am not just concerned with doing what feels good to me in the moment. I am, and hope I will always be, concerned with doing what is right.
And perhaps, in conclusion, it is worth noting that doing what is right is never a black and white, done deal type of thing. Doing what is right is a constantly evolving set of convictions. It changes because we change. The basic parameters are set by our own belief systems and set of values, but how we enact these convictions has to change and that is a very good thing. As I learn and grow I hope to always set my compass by this guiding principle...to do what is right as it seems not only by the measure of my own personal happiness but by the measure of all those I love and respect as well.
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