To Have More Kids Or Not To Have More Kids...

 I am going to take this opportunity to struggle a bit with something that has been bothering me lately.  In life we all face scenarios where we must decide to keep going with the familiar or to make a decision and allow ourselves to move beyond what we may want in the moment in order to embrace something entirely new and different.  Sorry if I am being a bit vague.  Here is where my thoughts are coming from.

I have three beautiful children.  Two girls and one boy.  Three is a good number.  Large to some, but I have always wanted a larger family.  From when I was a little girl, I knew I wanted at least a dozen kids.  It was a wonderful dream, but now I am facing reality.  Do I really want a dozen kids or should I make a decision and allow myself to move beyond the childbearing years?  I honesty do not know.  That's why I am still struggling.  When do you decide enough is enough?  When do you decide that a dream is just a dream and that who you are today is different from who you imagined you would be?

The trouble is, that in order to really resolve this struggle I will have to exert some serious self-control, and not just for a moment but for quite a few years to come!  I feel like if I were to just let nature take its course, then that would almost be the easier option.  It requires little to no effort on my part (well, ok, some effort!).  I love the analogy that C.S. Lewis uses to describe fighting temptations.  Only those who stand up against the wind can truly know how strong and forceful it is.  Those who lie down and let it just blow over them, can have no real concept of the struggle and hardship it took to resist.

But am I really likening having children to temptations?  In a way, I guess I am.  Having a child should provoke some deep thinking.  It should be a decision that involves not only the scientific rational part of our brain but also our deeper more emotional, spiritual center.  Having a child is more than just a series of actions to produce a desired result.  It is sometimes a plan, sometimes a surprise, but always a gift that has the power to completely alter our reality as we now know it.

Each of my children have molded and sculpted me in different ways.  I am who I am today mostly because of them.  My husband, family and friends all have their influence, but my children, by virtue of being so intimately attached to me, have the most pull and force right now.  One of the most significant changes has been the slow steady chipping away at my own stubborn self-centeredness.  In the moment I usually hate and resent how their needs may pull me from what I wanted to be doing, but afterwards I usually realize that by doing what I did not want to be doing, I ended up much happier.  It is this realization that leads me to the following conclusion, and really to the crux of my whole struggle.

Because I see myself doing such intense growing, and because I relate that growing to having each of my children, doesn't it follow that by having more, I will automatically be molded and sculpted even more and thus have at least the opportunity of becoming an even more generous and selfless human being?  I think there are some chinks in this line of thinking.

First, I am assuming that it is the mere action of my having a child that has made me better.  Rather, I believe it is my choice in each moment that determines whether I grow better or worse.  Second, it may be naive to assume that if I keep doing the same thing I will continue to grow in the same way.  This is making the assumption that I have not changed, when in fact the whole premise is that I have.  Because I have changed I now must determine what action will be the best for who I am today.  Is having another child, the best decision or is not having another child the best decision?

I'll get back to that.  There was a moment that I will never forget when I was pregnant with my son.  I had experienced two other pregnancies and was pretty confident I knew all there was to know about pregnancy and birth.  But babies always manage to throw a stumbling block in our path.  Towards the end of my pregnancy, at one of my midwife appointments, the midwife said she thought the baby was breech.  I was shocked and worried.  I resented the midwife for disturbing my peace in this way and scaring me into envisioning a hospital birth when I had all along been planning a peaceful homebirth.  However, I did some intense self-reflection that day.  I kept hoping for lighting bolts from heaven telling me that the baby was head down and all would be alright.  That did not happen.  What did happen was that I took a long nap.  Dreamed some weird dreams.  Woke up and took a walk with my husband where I came to the conclusion that what was going to happen, was going to happen.  I knew with 98% certainty that the baby was head down.  But, and here is the real point, I also knew that if I would have to give birth in the hospital, that I would be alright.  That the birth would ultimately be perfect because I would make it so with my faith and the loving support of my husband and family.

Okay, I may have come to some sort of a conclusion.  I believe that not having another child is the right choice right now.  Why?  Because it is the harder choice.  Is that a ridiculous line of thinking?  Probably.  But I have never been accused of being overly logical or precise in my thinking.  I am going with my gut on this one.  There is a voice in my head saying, "have another child, you know you want one."  But there is another voice or perhaps an amalgamation of several voices, people I trust and respect and my own experiences and feelings, that is convinced that stopping now is the right plan.  You see, I am not just concerned with doing what feels good to me in the moment.  I am, and hope I will always be, concerned with doing what is right.

And perhaps, in conclusion, it is worth noting that doing what is right is never a black and white, done deal type of thing.  Doing what is right is a constantly evolving set of convictions.  It changes because we change.  The basic parameters are set by our own belief systems and set of values, but how we enact these convictions has to change and that is a very good thing.  As I learn and grow I hope to always set my compass by this guiding principle...to do what is right as it seems not only by the measure of my own personal happiness but by the measure of all those I love and respect as well.

Who Is In Charge?

Today I am going to ask a question to all you pregnant mama’s out there.  “Who is in charge of your body?”  I think most of you answered: “I am.”  We all know, and feel deeply, that our bodies belong to us.  We live in our bodies therefore we are responsible for their upkeep and well-being.  It would not be wise to surrender that responsibility without careful checking and trust.  Now let me ask another question.  “Who is in charge of your pregnancy and birth?”  I think most of us are pausing right now to answer that one.  Or perhaps you answered as before, “I am,” but do you really mean it?  Are you truly in charge of your pregnancy or have you somewhere along the way surrendered your control to another?  A professional, perhaps?  Or a relation?  Expert advice?

In today’s post I want to ask you to examine your behavior since becoming pregnant.  Or if you’ve already had your baby, “how did you behave while pregnant and birthing?”  Do you feel truly that you know what is best for your body, your baby, and your birth?  Do we really have any right to feel that way?  Surely our doctors, midwives, nurses, or specialists have a say in our body and the process since that is what they have trained for?  It does feel a bit uncertain, though, doesn’t it?  From the moment we become pregnant, we are rocketed into a whole world of terminology and physiological symptoms and we need to learn to speak and act with authority on these subjects!  Which is no easy task (unless you are a pregnant doctor, midwife, nurse or specialist!)  No matter the childbirth classes we’ve taken or not taken, or the books we’ve read or not read, we will always feel a bit uncertain about our decisions until we decide to answer the question of, who, ultimately, is in charge?

And, why does who is in charge even matter?  It matters because we are all unique individuals so what is important to me , may not be important to you.  Who is in charge matters because it answers the question of who, ultimately, is responsible for ensuring a positive and satisfying pregnancy and birth experience.  We, the pregnant and birthing women, are the ones responsible.  For a first-time pregnant mama, going about establishing her control over her body and her pregnancy involves surrounding herself with a support network of people she respects and trusts.  By so doing she retains her sense of control in a situation entirely new and unfamiliar.  For mamas who have given birth before, being in charge can look different in that we may choose to have less people around because we know enough to be assertive about what is important to us.

I guess assertiveness, is ultimately, the point I am driving at.  Becoming pregnant is the first step on a long journey towards taking charge of ourselves.  Somehow, having a baby in our belly forces us to make decisions about what we want in an entirely new manner.  What would have been a matter of indifference before now takes on a whole new level of meaning when we realize it involves a whole other life other than our own.  And this is as it should be.  We need to grow into parenting, and pregnancy is the first step on that journey.  Deciding who is in charge helps us place responsibility squarely on our own shoulders, which although it may seem like a huge burden, it is actually a great relief.  Really!  Who knows us better than we do?  Who knows our private fears, worries, dreams and desires?  When we give others that control we run the risk of squelching our personal feelings as unimportant since someone else knows best.  By being in charge, we can listen to advice from doctors and nurses, midwives and other birth workers, and we can know that we are the ones who get to decide whether or not to follow.  Being pregnant doesn’t mean surrendering your body to the experts for the duration.  It means owning your body and your birth by deciding to be in charge.