This Doula's Recipe For A Good Birth

Today I am going to write my recipe for a good birth.  From all I have seen and experienced, these are what matter the most.

1.  Where you give birth matters.  A hospital can work, but in my opinion, it is not the safest place to give birth.  If you are healthy and your baby is healthy a birth center separate from a hospital has far better outcomes for you and your child.  Want to hear a scary statistic.  Neither do I, but here it is: The United States ranks 60 out of 180 countries, below China, even Slovakia, for goodness sake in maternal mortality!  Not to disparage China or Slovakia, but seriously we are a first world country with top medical care; this should not be so!  Of course there are many reasons why, and you could get into a very heated debate on this topic which I will not touch for the time being.  My point is that the maternal mortality rate for midwifery model care is much lower.  If you are healthy and your baby is healthy, one of the best preventative steps you can take is to give birth at a birth center with skilled professional midwives.

2. Get regular chiropractic adjustments.  I do not use a chiropractor regularly and have not when pregnant.  But from my own birth experiences (my third baby remaining very high and needing help during labor to descend versus those who've had chiropractic adjustments attesting to the fact that their babies remain quite low and engaged) I have come to the conclusion that adjustments are immensely helpful.  The body is in alignment which means the baby can descend without undue trouble which, in my opinion, really helps things along during labor.  A caveat!  Not all chiropractors are created equal.  Just like not all doctors, nurses, midwives, etc...  You get my meaning.  There are some chiropractors out there who do more harm then good.  Get a referral and make sure who you are seeing is qualified and good at what they do.

3. Eat & Distract.  The best thing you can do when labor starts is to eat a good meal and distract yourself.  Give yourself and your labor the gift of the un-watched pot.  Have a labor project planned i.e. bake something, clean something, garden, go for a walk, go out to dinner, to the movies.  When you can no longer concentrate on anything but what your body is doing, then it is time to whip out your coping mechanisms and call your support team.

4. Just say no to vaginal exams.  Aside from the initial exam upon admittance to the hospital or birth center which serves to give a baseline, there really is no need for frequent or even scheduled/regular interval exams after that.  Although you may think you want to know, it is really not helpful at all and may in fact be harmful as it increases the risk of introducing germs, not to mention the psychological effect of hearing you are not very far along!  You can tell an awful lot about where you are in labor just by watching attentively and listening.  Allow yourself to just trust the process and unless something is not going well, leave well enough alone.

5. Don't break those waters!  Artificial Rupture of the Membranes (AROM) may in fact speed up your labor but it comes with a high risk guarantee.  Although labor may speed up, so will your contractions, in length and intensity.  For many that point may rocket them into a labor pattern that overwhelms them and makes them feel out of control and scared thus necessitating the need for drug intervention when perhaps it may have been avoided.  If you are going for a birth without medication, breaking your bag of waters won't help you as much as you think it will.  Plus, your baby is no longer protected by that soft cushy bag and may experience some stress as a result.

6. Don't rush pushing.  Many well-meaning doctors and nurses decide that when the time comes for pushing that they should act as the woman's cheerleaders.  It is my belief that especially without sufficient knowledge on what to expect from pushing, a woman with excited eager cheerleaders around her is more likely to feel inadequate and pressured rather than supported and encouraged.  The reason being, pushing is not an issue of strength.  Once the baby has descended, the body responds by pushing involuntarily.  The baby is then slowly, I repeat, slowly, maneuvered down the birth canal and out.  Slow is better.  The body knows this instinctively.  Contractions tends to space apart from one on top of the other or every minute or two to sometimes 4 or 5 minutes apart.  This is normal and healthy.  The baby is supposed to crown and go back in.  Pushing hard for 10 seconds is a waste of energy.  Why not just go with your body's urges and push along with your body then let yourself rest?!

One more thing on the topic of pushing...don't be coerced into pushing lying down unless you yourself feel best doing so.  It is far from ideal and will make you and your baby have to work that much harder.  And once again, it can also cause stress for the baby.  In case you didn't know, stress, or variations, decelerations in the baby's heart beat, make everybody very nervous, and with good reason!  Do what you can to avoid stress, don't have your waters broken prematurely, labor and push as much as possible in an upright position, and you will avoid the more common causes for stress.

7.  Finally, and perhaps this should be first, Just Say Yes!  Accepting your labor however it comes and however it goes, will in my mind guarantee a perfect birth for you.  When you believe in your own strength and when you let yourself do what you need to do, your labor will be perfect no matter what happens.  So, when labor starts, don't fight it, don't be scared; be courageous, be strong and say YES!!

How to Give Birth... Ancient Egyptian-Style

A few nights ago, it was story time with my daughters.  I brought out the library bag to search for a new book and came across a lovely compilation I'd grabbed earlier in the week titled, The Barefoot Book of Dance Stories.  I pulled it out and immediately both my daughters started saying, "Oh, Mama, do the one with the baby!  Do the one with the baby!"  (Now this may not seem strange to anyone with daughters since most are interested in babies, but my daughters, blessed with a doula for a mother, take their interest in babies to a whole new level.  They've heard me talk about birth often, and watched The Business of Being Born with me and the documentary, Birth Story with Ina May Gaskin, and they will often ask me to show them the births.  Like I said...a whole other level.)  I began reading the story.  It was called, The Goddess Danced.

What a beautiful story!  I loved reading it to my daughters.  I make sure when I'm talking about birth with them that I keep my tone positive and affirming.  I don't allow too much to be shown or heard that I feel is beyond their age-appropriate level.  What I am doing, is generating a history of birth stories that will allow my daughters to look forward to birth and to expect it to be hard work.  By using story, I am giving them an image of birth that will excite them not scare them.  The Goddess Danced, is a perfect example of this.  I've included a brief synopsis below:

Ra, the god of the sun, being a god, could do things that mortals could not.  He frequently fell in love with women on earth.  One time, he spied Ruditdidit, the wife of one of his priests.  She was very beautiful.  He visited her and wooed her.  Soon she became pregnant with triplets.  In order to help her have an easy pregnancy he made sure she had plenty of figs, grapes and pomegranates and he sent her earthenware jars of goat milk.  For nine months she was happy and well rested but when labor began her pains were great.  She wept and wailed and called out to Ra for help.  He heard her and sent four of his goddesses and one of his gods to help her.  They disguised themselves as street musicians (in that time street musicians were considered to be excellent midwives) and entered the house to help Ruditdidit.  The one god, Khnum, stayed outside with Ruditdidit's husband and drank barley beer.  The goddesses found Ruditdidit lying on her side in great pain.  One of the goddesses, Isis, started to dance while the others made music with their instruments.  Isis reached down and pulled Ruditdidit to her feet.  Together they swayed and danced, swinging their hips and twirling.  "Isis made Ruditdidit's stomach ripple like waves, her hips like mountains shuddering in a quake.  Ruditdidit did as Isis commanded, her belly moving back and forth, up and down until she was quite dizzy but the pain had receded.  Then, when Ruditdidit was ready for the birth, Isis stopped dancing.  She led Ruditdidit back to her bed where the woman squatted by the bedside and began to push.  Isis put her hands out, and the triplets fell into them--one, two, three."  Ruditdidit's husband, the priest Rausir, left a basket of corn as payment and went in to see his wife.  Isis flipped the basket and transformed the corn into gold coins, "but the priest, Rausir did not find that out until much, much later, for three new babies and a tired wife turned out to be a lot of work."

Is that not the most beautiful birth story?!  I absolutely love it.  Not only does it mention diet and rest as being important during pregnancy but it also mentions music and dancing as key elements in helping ease labor pain and help labor progress.  So cool!!!  Who wouldn't love to be pregnant if they were fed figs, grapes, pomegranates and goat milk all the while resting from their work and being pampered?  Who wouldn't love to labor with their own troupe of musicians making music and dancing with you all the while encouraging your efforts?  I know I would.  Maybe they need to encourage more musicians to become doulas...  But, I'm getting sidetracked.  Back to Ruditdidit.

I didn't mention it in the story, but by the time the goddesses arrived to help Ruditdidit, she had already been laboring for more than 24 hours.  She was tired and in a lot of pain.  Now most labors will be completed within 24 hours, but every so often there are those labors that will go on for much longer or will get stuck.  (Of course, in Ruditdidit's case, she was carrying triplets and they were half-immortal, which is not a complication any of us have to worry about!)  Still, labors do get stuck sometimes and sometimes we do need to think outside the box in order to help get unstuck and move labor along.

Labors get stuck for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes the mother becomes worried or anxious.  Sometimes something happens to throw the mother out of her concentration, an interruption or some minor annoyance.  Even if it seems minor, anything that throws a mother out of concentration can really impede labor's flow.  (Why do you think wild animals birth at night where they feel completely private and safe?!)  Sometimes the mother's uterus is just plain tired and needs rest and nutrients in order for it to continue making progress.  When any of these happen, a mother may feel at a loss as to what to do next.  This is where stories can step in and help.  What did your grandmother do in her labor?  If not her, what did your friend's grandmother do? You get the point. We can learn from others' experiences.  We can learn from the birth stories we've heard.  In this case, we can learn from Ruditdidit's prolonged labor.  We just need to start dancing!

I'm not joking.  Each and every traditional culture has its own version of a birth story and I guarantee that not one of them tells of the woman lying down passively enduring labor.  Quite the contrary.  Most traditional cultures tell stories of women working until labor was imminent and only then dropping what they were doing to squat and push the baby out.  Sounds primitive, but hey, it has worked for thousands of years...

This story was probably written to serve exactly the purpose I mentioned above, to help women with prolonged and difficult labor.  This story although meant for children, most likely taught an entire culture: this is how you give birth.  Unfortunately, today we have lost most of the stories and what we've kept is a more medicalized version of what to expect.  I think we're actually doing more harm by this.  The stories are inspiring and instructional without being too scary or over-informative.  I think it is high time we revived the birth story as a means for helping prepare women to give birth.

Four Proven Pain-Management Techniques

Today I am going to write about four proven pain-management techniques to be used during labor.  We've all heard about the normal ones; movement, water, massage, positioning, but in this post I want to touch on the lesser-known but just as, if not more, effective techniques that I learned from Ina May Gaskin.  Now some of you may take issue with the word, proven.  The only "proven" pain-management is drugs, right?  Not right.

But first...

Don't skip this because it is IMPORTANT.  So often we read something, a diet plan or an advertisement for something like a cure for male-pattern baldness, and we get all excited because of the flashy promises and guaranteed results.  We try it...and it doesn't work.  What happened, we wonder?  Then we read the fine print: results not typical, or something to that effect.  Well great.  Unfortunately, in our world  of product promotion, sales, competition, big business, we, as consumers, are becoming more savvy and anything that looks like a caveat or a fine print makes us run for the hills.  We don't even need to read it to know where this is going.  It means that no matter what you assert, your product is not going to work on me.
I would like for you to suspend your instincts while I maintain that there are proven pain-management techniques for labor and there is a fine print.
Will you read on??  I hope so.

The Fine Print:
There are no short-cuts.  There, I said it.  No matter which way you look at it, these pain-management techniques will not in any way resemble a pill or a shot or a quick fix of any kind.  In order for you to be able to manage your pain effectively, you are going to have to work for it.
Not your typical advertising claim, now is it?!
But, if you think you can handle that kind of fine print, then keep reading.  It only gets better from here :)

Pain-Management Techniques:

#1  Keep Calm and Carry On:
Surround yourself with people who are calm about the birth process.  This may not seem like a lot of work or even important enough to rank first in the list, but trust me, the importance of this simple step cannot be overstated.  At your birth, you need to have people who are going to look lovingly at you and say, "yes, this is normal," and "you are doing a perfect job," or "those are wonderful sounds you're making right now."  Basically, you want people who will encourage your efforts, bolster your confidence and lesson your fear and anxiety.  This may require un-inviting people to your birth (most definitely not an easy thing to do) or switching providers (even less easy), or taking that extra step to seek out a doula or someone who you know will provide that positive, calm support.

#2  Laugh:
Expect to laugh.  Try to laugh.  Erase whatever image of birth you may have that tells you that birth should be a solemn, serious event.  It can be.  But that wouldn't be much fun, now would it?  Seriously, though, if you can laugh or even smile, however tiny, you will be amazed at how your body will respond.

#3  Kiss:
Forgive me if this is TMI, but it should be said, and I love Ina May Gaskin for saying it.  What happens when you kiss a guy?  Blood rushes from his head to his you-know-what, and what happens?  It gets bigger.  We don't talk about it much, but the same thing happens to women.  When we kiss, we get bigger too.  Why?  Hormones.  It's a beautiful thing.  And, by the way, I'm not talking about close-mouth, puritan-style kisses either (I hope you know what I'm talking about).  Make everyone leave the room and enjoy some snuggle time, just you and your partner.  It not only helps ease your pain but boy can it get things moving!

#4  Attitude Adjustment:
Try to observe your attitude.  If you notice that the pain is getting unbearable, take a peek at your thoughts and what their tone is like.  Are you succumbing to the temptation to wonder, "how much longer?"  Are you approaching each contraction with the thought, "dear God, I can't take much more of this!"  Any negative attitude regarding birth and the process will increase your pain.  Although we may think this is out of our purview; it is not.  Let me reiterate, IT IS NOT!!!  This, more than any other area is entirely, firmly, completely within your grasp.  Fake it, till you make it if you have to.  Even if you don't believe yourself; know that you can change your attitude merely by acting like it. Your body will respond.
The next time a contraction comes, change your thoughts, or even better, start talking out-loud and say something like, "Yes!" or "I got this!" or anything that spontaneously comes to you that will help you reverse those negative thoughts and transform them into positive body-affirming truths.

Final Consideration Points:
These techniques, unlike the more commonly-known techniques of movement, water, massage, etc...require practice, habit-building, in order for you to be able to draw upon them when labor begins.  Don't we, when stressed, tend to revert back to a more basic, and base, version of ourselves?  Our pretensions are stripped away and we are left with our own naked vulnerability.  Quite a scary thought.
Unless you have forged habits to draw on.  Habits like staying calm when you most feel like blowing your top; laughing instead of crying when the unexpected happens; kissing, especially when you least feel like it; and training your thoughts to focus on the positive.  The more we practice these techniques in our everyday lives the better we will be able to "switch them on" when labor begins.

Results Are Typical:
Again, to run counter to your typical marketing outcomes, I will maintain that when you use the above techniques you can expect your pain to be manageable, and sometimes even exciting or exhilarating.
Birth is normal.  Our bodies are designed for birthing.  We can birth.  It is possible to feel pain and ride it.  You will have to work harder than you have worked ever before and possibly after.  That's why how we birth matters.  That's what makes it so good.

To Have More Kids Or Not To Have More Kids...

 I am going to take this opportunity to struggle a bit with something that has been bothering me lately.  In life we all face scenarios where we must decide to keep going with the familiar or to make a decision and allow ourselves to move beyond what we may want in the moment in order to embrace something entirely new and different.  Sorry if I am being a bit vague.  Here is where my thoughts are coming from.

I have three beautiful children.  Two girls and one boy.  Three is a good number.  Large to some, but I have always wanted a larger family.  From when I was a little girl, I knew I wanted at least a dozen kids.  It was a wonderful dream, but now I am facing reality.  Do I really want a dozen kids or should I make a decision and allow myself to move beyond the childbearing years?  I honesty do not know.  That's why I am still struggling.  When do you decide enough is enough?  When do you decide that a dream is just a dream and that who you are today is different from who you imagined you would be?

The trouble is, that in order to really resolve this struggle I will have to exert some serious self-control, and not just for a moment but for quite a few years to come!  I feel like if I were to just let nature take its course, then that would almost be the easier option.  It requires little to no effort on my part (well, ok, some effort!).  I love the analogy that C.S. Lewis uses to describe fighting temptations.  Only those who stand up against the wind can truly know how strong and forceful it is.  Those who lie down and let it just blow over them, can have no real concept of the struggle and hardship it took to resist.

But am I really likening having children to temptations?  In a way, I guess I am.  Having a child should provoke some deep thinking.  It should be a decision that involves not only the scientific rational part of our brain but also our deeper more emotional, spiritual center.  Having a child is more than just a series of actions to produce a desired result.  It is sometimes a plan, sometimes a surprise, but always a gift that has the power to completely alter our reality as we now know it.

Each of my children have molded and sculpted me in different ways.  I am who I am today mostly because of them.  My husband, family and friends all have their influence, but my children, by virtue of being so intimately attached to me, have the most pull and force right now.  One of the most significant changes has been the slow steady chipping away at my own stubborn self-centeredness.  In the moment I usually hate and resent how their needs may pull me from what I wanted to be doing, but afterwards I usually realize that by doing what I did not want to be doing, I ended up much happier.  It is this realization that leads me to the following conclusion, and really to the crux of my whole struggle.

Because I see myself doing such intense growing, and because I relate that growing to having each of my children, doesn't it follow that by having more, I will automatically be molded and sculpted even more and thus have at least the opportunity of becoming an even more generous and selfless human being?  I think there are some chinks in this line of thinking.

First, I am assuming that it is the mere action of my having a child that has made me better.  Rather, I believe it is my choice in each moment that determines whether I grow better or worse.  Second, it may be naive to assume that if I keep doing the same thing I will continue to grow in the same way.  This is making the assumption that I have not changed, when in fact the whole premise is that I have.  Because I have changed I now must determine what action will be the best for who I am today.  Is having another child, the best decision or is not having another child the best decision?

I'll get back to that.  There was a moment that I will never forget when I was pregnant with my son.  I had experienced two other pregnancies and was pretty confident I knew all there was to know about pregnancy and birth.  But babies always manage to throw a stumbling block in our path.  Towards the end of my pregnancy, at one of my midwife appointments, the midwife said she thought the baby was breech.  I was shocked and worried.  I resented the midwife for disturbing my peace in this way and scaring me into envisioning a hospital birth when I had all along been planning a peaceful homebirth.  However, I did some intense self-reflection that day.  I kept hoping for lighting bolts from heaven telling me that the baby was head down and all would be alright.  That did not happen.  What did happen was that I took a long nap.  Dreamed some weird dreams.  Woke up and took a walk with my husband where I came to the conclusion that what was going to happen, was going to happen.  I knew with 98% certainty that the baby was head down.  But, and here is the real point, I also knew that if I would have to give birth in the hospital, that I would be alright.  That the birth would ultimately be perfect because I would make it so with my faith and the loving support of my husband and family.

Okay, I may have come to some sort of a conclusion.  I believe that not having another child is the right choice right now.  Why?  Because it is the harder choice.  Is that a ridiculous line of thinking?  Probably.  But I have never been accused of being overly logical or precise in my thinking.  I am going with my gut on this one.  There is a voice in my head saying, "have another child, you know you want one."  But there is another voice or perhaps an amalgamation of several voices, people I trust and respect and my own experiences and feelings, that is convinced that stopping now is the right plan.  You see, I am not just concerned with doing what feels good to me in the moment.  I am, and hope I will always be, concerned with doing what is right.

And perhaps, in conclusion, it is worth noting that doing what is right is never a black and white, done deal type of thing.  Doing what is right is a constantly evolving set of convictions.  It changes because we change.  The basic parameters are set by our own belief systems and set of values, but how we enact these convictions has to change and that is a very good thing.  As I learn and grow I hope to always set my compass by this guiding principle...to do what is right as it seems not only by the measure of my own personal happiness but by the measure of all those I love and respect as well.

Who Is In Charge?

Today I am going to ask a question to all you pregnant mama’s out there.  “Who is in charge of your body?”  I think most of you answered: “I am.”  We all know, and feel deeply, that our bodies belong to us.  We live in our bodies therefore we are responsible for their upkeep and well-being.  It would not be wise to surrender that responsibility without careful checking and trust.  Now let me ask another question.  “Who is in charge of your pregnancy and birth?”  I think most of us are pausing right now to answer that one.  Or perhaps you answered as before, “I am,” but do you really mean it?  Are you truly in charge of your pregnancy or have you somewhere along the way surrendered your control to another?  A professional, perhaps?  Or a relation?  Expert advice?

In today’s post I want to ask you to examine your behavior since becoming pregnant.  Or if you’ve already had your baby, “how did you behave while pregnant and birthing?”  Do you feel truly that you know what is best for your body, your baby, and your birth?  Do we really have any right to feel that way?  Surely our doctors, midwives, nurses, or specialists have a say in our body and the process since that is what they have trained for?  It does feel a bit uncertain, though, doesn’t it?  From the moment we become pregnant, we are rocketed into a whole world of terminology and physiological symptoms and we need to learn to speak and act with authority on these subjects!  Which is no easy task (unless you are a pregnant doctor, midwife, nurse or specialist!)  No matter the childbirth classes we’ve taken or not taken, or the books we’ve read or not read, we will always feel a bit uncertain about our decisions until we decide to answer the question of, who, ultimately, is in charge?

And, why does who is in charge even matter?  It matters because we are all unique individuals so what is important to me , may not be important to you.  Who is in charge matters because it answers the question of who, ultimately, is responsible for ensuring a positive and satisfying pregnancy and birth experience.  We, the pregnant and birthing women, are the ones responsible.  For a first-time pregnant mama, going about establishing her control over her body and her pregnancy involves surrounding herself with a support network of people she respects and trusts.  By so doing she retains her sense of control in a situation entirely new and unfamiliar.  For mamas who have given birth before, being in charge can look different in that we may choose to have less people around because we know enough to be assertive about what is important to us.

I guess assertiveness, is ultimately, the point I am driving at.  Becoming pregnant is the first step on a long journey towards taking charge of ourselves.  Somehow, having a baby in our belly forces us to make decisions about what we want in an entirely new manner.  What would have been a matter of indifference before now takes on a whole new level of meaning when we realize it involves a whole other life other than our own.  And this is as it should be.  We need to grow into parenting, and pregnancy is the first step on that journey.  Deciding who is in charge helps us place responsibility squarely on our own shoulders, which although it may seem like a huge burden, it is actually a great relief.  Really!  Who knows us better than we do?  Who knows our private fears, worries, dreams and desires?  When we give others that control we run the risk of squelching our personal feelings as unimportant since someone else knows best.  By being in charge, we can listen to advice from doctors and nurses, midwives and other birth workers, and we can know that we are the ones who get to decide whether or not to follow.  Being pregnant doesn’t mean surrendering your body to the experts for the duration.  It means owning your body and your birth by deciding to be in charge.  

What Your Birth Doula Service is All About

Your Birth Doula Service was created to meet the needs of birthing women.  The title itself says it all.  It is your birth, therefore what is important to you is important to me, as your doula.  I have come to discover that in the end, how a woman gives birth matters less than whether she has felt supported and understood.  Don't get me wrong, how a woman births can have great significance and impact. But if she has been cared for and heard throughout the process, her healing will be smoother as will her transition to motherhood.

Below is a picture of me and the sweet little baby of a client.  This client had had a particularly traumatic first birth.  We worked hard together to help her clearly state how she wanted things to go the second time around.  Through perseverance and great courage, she birthed powerfully and beautifully.  What a gift!

This is what I do...

While Pregnant - If time allows, I like to schedule at least four prenatal visits.  The first is to get to know you and see if we will work well together.  The next two are intended to work though any questions, fears, or desires that you may have.  I make it a point to listen and reflect your needs back to you.  I help you clarify what you want and understand the birth process.  The fourth visit is a home visit.  I will travel to your home to meet with you and your partner.  The importance of this final visit cannot be understated.  This gives me the chance to drive to your place (so that when I come for the birth it will be familiar!) as well as meet your partner.  It is imperative that your partner and I discuss what each of our roles will be as well as how we can best support you.

The Birth - I come as soon as labor becomes active.  I maintain phone contact to help you determine when the time is right for me to come.  (And the time is right whenever you need me!)  I remain with you for the duration of labor and for at least two hours post-partum, if needed.  I will help you decide when to go to the hospital/birth center.  Throughout, my knowledge in positioning and comfort measures will help you cope through contractions.

Post-partum - I have had extensive training in breastfeeding, and am available to help with positioning and latch.  I stay as long as I am needed following  the birth.  I will take photographs/videos and help you feel comfortable.  I will also schedule a visit for a few days after the birth.  Problems that arise tend to do so within the first 48 or so after birth, so support is greatly needed.  My relationship with you does not end with the birth.  I am available to help with any questions or concerns both related to the birth and breastfeeding at any time.


Below is a picture of me with another baby of a client.  This woman was attempting a VBAC after two cesareans.  You can imagine the obstacles and resistance she encountered!  Together, we prepared for this birth by increasing her awareness of her body and her trust in the process as it would unfold.  As it happened, she was able to give birth vaginally at peace with herself and her body.  The birth itself was incredibly gentle and peaceful, and I still get shivers thinking about that perfect happy moment.

Your Birth Doula Service is both my business and my calling.  I am a doula because I feel that every woman should experience birth as rewarding and transformative.  It is my belief that having someone who is experienced in birth helps both mother and father-to-be feel supported and empowered.  There is no better way to experience birth and parenthood.

Why Fathers Need Doulas (and they really really do!)

 Be prepared, I am going to generalize here!

Husbands want what is best for their wives.  Husbands want to do everything they can to make sure the birth of their child is a happy one for their wives.  They want to bond and enjoy the birth themselves but their number one priority is to ensure that their wives have a good experience.  What's wrong with that?  Nothing, except what exactly does 'ensuring a good experience' look like?  While for millions of years birthing women have been attended by other women, nowadays it is more common to have a male obstetrician. And men, fathers particularly, are encouraged to play an active role in the birthing process.  Is this a bad thing?  No!  It is a very very good thing and men, fathers particularly, offer something that laboring women desperately need: emotional support.  I always thought of my husband during birth as my rock.  He was always there.  As much as was possible he experienced what I experienced.  His love for me kept him by my side, occasionally talking, but more often just holding me, supporting me, both physically and emotionally.  By staying with me and staying strong, he gave me the freedom to labor and do what I needed to do to bring our child into the world.  So, why is a doula needed?  Because emotional support and love is not enough sometimes.

Birth is an unpredictable and organic process.  Birth can be long and exhausting or short and frightening, painful or exhilarating.  The possibilities are as endless and unique as each woman and her partner are unique.  Because each experience is unique and transformative it is hugely helpful to have an experienced guide along with you on your journey.  The doula is the experienced guide.  She can look at a laboring woman and see more than a loved one in pain; she can see progress.  She can offer suggestions that carry weight simply because she herself has trained and most likely experienced it herself.  She can relieve stress and anxiety from the husband because he no longer has to be everything and know everything for his wife.  A trained doula does not put herself in the husband's place; she knows herself to be merely the guide, encouraging, instructing, and modeling.

Having said that, permit me to sidetrack a bit into marriage itself.  The relationship between husband and wife is complex.  It is a mystery.  Although, nowadays, we have a hard time with gender and as much as possible we try to steer clear of gender stereotypes, there is something to the 'difference of the sexes.'  Again, permit me some generalizing!  For men, the most important aspect of any relationship hinges on respect.  Men need respect.  Without it relationships shrivel and die.  Women, on the other hand need to feel valued.  Even if we don't make sense or there is no scientific proof for what we feel we want to know that the men in our lives value our experience and validate it.  Birth falls into this category.  It is an experience that does not depend on scientific proofs or adherence to a plan.  Regardless of the plan and whether it was followed perfectly or not, a woman may come away from a birth with feelings that are difficult to explain let alone justify.  While the husband may have seen the birth one way, most often based on outcomes, the woman may have experienced something infinitely more uncomfortable, scary even, or empowering, liberating to the point where she feels different.  No explanation.  No correlation to the facts of the birth.  All of this happens on a deeper level.  A spiritual level.  The level where women's intuition and mysticism reside.

The transformation from woman to mother is not a process that should happen alone.  It is an experience that each woman has to undergo herself.  Her husband can't do it for her.  And to do it well, it requires mothering.  I believe we know that instinctively but as our cultures grow more and more modern we try to subdue our instincts in favor of our thinking brain.  So, we say things like, "I should be able to birth with just me and my husband."  "It should be cozy, quiet and peaceful."  Birth can happen that way.  And it can be good.  I am not denying that.  The more babies I have the less people I want there and the more I enjoy just the presence of my husband, but that is not to say that I don't crave, desire, need my mothering from women as well.  I do.  Husbands should not be expected to be everything for their wives.  Men need other men and women need other women.  To be complete, whole and actualized is to respect our differences and embrace how we can support each other while also allowing for the presence of others to support as well.

In summation, the presence of the doula in no way diminishes the role of the husband; it completes it.

How Coping Techniques For Labor Can Alter Your Reality

I have recently faced a situation where I had to be separated from a loved one for a period of time.  This was very difficult, and yet while driving away with tears streaming down my face, I started thinking thoughts that echoed the very thoughts I had while enduring contractions!  With sadness and fear all around me, I kept repeating, "Yes!"  And, I believed it.  "Yes, we are separated.  Yes, I am sad.  Yes, this is a good thing.  Yes, I can stay connected.  Yes, my heart will always be with you."

At some point during my first labor, which was very difficult and traumatic for me at the time, one midwife sat by me, put her hand on the small of my back and said, "Don't say no, say yes."  She most likely has no idea how those words affected me!  Apparently, at the beginning of each contraction I had been saying, "Oh God, no!"  Saying, "yes," wasn't just a way to sound better while laboring; it physically altered my mind and thus my labor.  Words are not just words.  What we say, affects what we feel, and what we feel affects how we act, and how we act affects what happens to our bodies and to all those around us.  A thought is not without consequences!  Somehow, that lesson learned during my first birth, gave me the courage and the mindset to face a completely different life event with grace and acceptance.

Labor is a unique life event where we progress only by releasing control.  I would wager to say that all major life events follow this same pattern, however we often fool ourselves into thinking we still retain control and we use many different avoidance patterns to try to cling to our control.  Death is inevitable.  As is pain, sorrow, difficulties and suffering.  It is our human inheritance.  That does not mean that we are helpless.  This is, I believe, the major lesson of birth.  The harder we fight the more pain and suffering we endure.  Once we let go, physically and mentally, we realize that we are not left alone and helpless.  Rather, we are caught up in the grace of God, and we see, perhaps not in this moment or the next, but we do see that our love is stronger, more resilient, more compassionate.  And, this is what it means to be human.  We take reality as it is handed to us, and we transform it into something bigger, better and more meaningful.  Glory to God!